The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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