JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The ass gains better be worth it
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