I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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