Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
