i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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