Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't put those talents on a resume
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
