did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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