my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
