I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
