fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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