you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
