if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
