the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
