Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize