Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
