Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize