Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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