ugly people sure do ruin things
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
