Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
