So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
