The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
