I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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