so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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