It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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