you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
