Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
