I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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