I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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