I think im going to throw up on grandma
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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