I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
