you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
