he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
