You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
