Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
