He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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