I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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