I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
