Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
