after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
