I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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