Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
