I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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