I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
