if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
