Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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