It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
