Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
