It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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