I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
