How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
