I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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