winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
