my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
