there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
