I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Im part way to drunk.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
