I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
