I am in a vortex of obligation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
