I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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