I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
