dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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