My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize