Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
