Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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