Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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