I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
