my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
